Problem Submitted By L.J., Wisconsin:

My fiancé and I have a problem I don't think you've ever addressed. We have to choose which farm we'll work on after we get married next year.

Mike and I met in college. We both grew up on family farms about 250 miles apart, and we want to continue farming. Our problem is that we have two opportunities, and we have to choose between our families.

I am one of three siblings (all girls), and I'm the only one interested in the farm. My parents are willing to arrange their estate plan so I can inherit the farm if Mike and I come to work there. My sisters understand and are OK with this. Provisions will be made for them.

Mike is one of three sons, and all three want to work on their farm. His dad isn't ready to make any decisions about his estate plan until they've all worked together for a while.

We all get along, so family relationships aren't a problem -- yet. We each have our biases and tend to want to stay with our own family. I know it's an embarrassment of riches, and we're thankful.

But it's still a huge dilemma.

I think the scales are tipped in my favor due to the estate plan my parents will commit to now. Still, any decision we make will cause problems. We can't decide what to do. Can you help?

Dr. Jonovic's Solution:

On the surface, their obvious choice is to go with L.J.'s farm where no other siblings are interested. But this conflicts with Mike's preference to stay with his father and brothers.

So before doing the old pros-and-cons analysis, the couple must answer this key question: Do either Mike or L.J. have unbreakable emotional ties to farming the respective family's ground?
They must resolve this emotional question to avoid all the predictable issues that can explode years later.

If they can't, the wise option may be to choose neither farm and go off on their own. If they can, they'll have to balance the simplicity of going with L.J.'s farm against the pluses and minuses of Mike's family situation.

Here are some other important questions they'll need to address:

• What are the chances that Mike's brothers will stay on the farm?
  
• What are the brothers' relative abilities?
  
• Does one brother have the inside track already?
  
• Can Mike's family farm eventually support three growing families?
  

Mike's father has more reason than L.J.'s to worry about setting ownership transition in stone. Is he willing to make minimum commitments to Mike and L.J. now? It should be a business deal, with intentions and expectations negotiated and defined in writing. Is that possible?

Also, what would L.J.'s role be on either farm? She has a strong commitment to farming. Does this mean she wants to be actively involved, working and participating in decisions? At what level? She could do that on her farm but could she on Mike's farm?