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New York monsters

Agriculture.com Staff 11/05/2008 @ 8:46am

On Halloween night we watched a movie. It was supposed to be scary -- a mysterious monster invades New York and does...a bunch of bad things. You know -- monster stuff.

Although it wasn't a very good movie, it did solve a mystery for me. I've always wondered why all the good monsters end up in New York. Godzilla, King Kong, the marshmallow guy from Ghostbusters, assorted zombies...all of them hit the Big Apple first, and now I know why.

Apparently, New York is completely full of stupid people. Pretty clever of the monsters to head for our country's soft underbelly. Now, my wife says that stupid isn't a nice word and not everyone in New York is stupid, they just have a different skill set. You be the judge.

In the movie, the trouble started with a huge explosion, large chunks of burning stuff falling out of the sky and a massive, unidentified creepy thing tearing buildings apart and eating people.

And, everyone ran up to the roof to see what was going on. After the roof blew up, they all ran outside into the street. Once they made it to the middle of the street, they stood screaming and pointing toward the thing that was eating their neighbors.

I don't think I personally know anyone who would do that.

In that situation, most people I know would load the 12-gauge and sit quietly in one corner of their basement until things settled down outside. And if you came down the stairs, you wouldn't want to sound anything like a monster.

Speaking of sitting quietly, according to this movie, New Yorkers are real screamers. That was strange to me, too. I don't know many screamers. We're a quiet bunch out here on the prairie. What would be more typical in my neck of the woods would be a guy cutting his hand off in a combine, walking up to the house and saying to his wife, "Yeah, honey, I cut my darn hand off. Would you call the clinic and see if they can fit me in today?"

The movie lasted way too long. The New Yorkers roamed through the streets and every now and then one of them would get eaten. I know that was supposed to make me feel bad, but all I could think of was that if everybody got killed, the movie would have to end, so I'm afraid I was rooting for the monster.

Once they got chased off the streets, they decided it would be a better idea to make their way through the subway tunnels, in the dark. That wasn't the worst possible plan, but every time they heard creepy sounds coming up from behind, they'd all stop, turn around and stare into the darkness. Sometimes they'd wave a flashlight, but that was always followed by more screaming and panicking. Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems to me that if most of the people I know heard creepy noises coming out of the darkness in a subway tunnel, wouldn't waste time staring or screaming. They'd just run.

Of course, I'm just thinking about the way folks in western Minnesota would react to monster invasions. Just imagine if the monsters skipped New York and went straight to Texas.

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