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The itch

Agriculture.com Staff 02/08/2016 @ 8:30am

I'm a little tired of winter. Everything is white and cold. I need to cut more firewood, shovel the sidewalk, and finish doing my taxes. I don't want to do any of those things. What I do want is to be someplace else.

Okay, what I really want is to go on an around-the-world cruise on the Queen Mary 2. This idea took me a little by surprise -- I've never really thought about it before, but I was doing a little research just in case I save Bill Gates from a burning building and he asks if there is anything he can do for me. Around-the-world cruises just popped into my head.

The cruise lasts 110 days, which means I'd be home about two weeks after the snow melts, but before the lawn needs to be mowed. That's if Bill gets caught in a burning building fairly soon. The cheapest room is around $20,000. I'm guessing that's for the Dungeon Suite, located between the fuel tanks and the sewage treatment plant. That would be okay (trust me I've slept in worse places), but personally, I would prefer the Queen's Duplex Suites.

Two thousand square feet, on two floors, with a private verandah, a butler, and champagne and strawberries every morning for breakfast. That one costs around $220,000.00, which I realize seems a little spendy, but remember, all your meals are included. On the down side, the price doesn't include shore exhibitions. If you want to get up close and personal with the Pyramids or ski down a glacier, it would cost you extra. I'm not seeing that as a real problem, because if I have a bottle of champagne for breakfast I won't really be too worried about my plans for the rest of the day. In 110 days there are 37 opportunities for shore trips, which would really start to add up. So when you think about it, champagne for breakfast will actually SAVE money.

There are other money saving opportunities. There's a gym on board ship. I've been thinking about joining a gym, but I’ve been reluctant to spend the money. I could get 110 days for free, as part of my $220,000 fee. That alone would save me $100, maybe $200. Haircuts are free on board ship, as are the newspaper and Internet.

That's another couple hundred bucks. Man, I could take this cruise and MAKE money.

It's not all gravy. The biggest problem is that you're expected to dress for dinner. When I first read that in the brochure I was okay with it, but only because I thought they meant I needed to wear clothes in the restaurant. I pretty much do that already, so I wasn't seeing it as a problem. I read further and discovered "dressing for dinner" is a lot more complicated than that. I need a suit, and a formal suit, and then an assortment of sports coats. There are three levels of restaurants and the dress code for the low rent one is called "Elegant Casual."

Now, I can do casual, but elegant casual means no blue jeans. That wipes out 97% of my wardrobe.

This changes everything. I'm okay with giving up the Pyramids in exchange for champagne for breakfast, but if my wife and I have to buy all new clothes, including clothes I previously didn't even know existed, the deal is off.

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