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The British are coming!

01/29/2007 @ 12:07pm

Our great nation is being invaded. A horde of courtly foreigners is washing up on our shores, immigrants whose mere presence threatens to change our language, our food and yes, even our very culture.

I am speaking, of course, of the British.

I personally know several British persons who have recently emigrated to America. Some of these Anglos have come here to build dairies, which immediately raises several important questions, such as: will these Britons force their cows to eat crumpets? What is a "crumpet," anyway? Does it have anything to do with that thing called a "strumpet?"

This British invasion has the capacity to profoundly alter the American way of life.

Take our language. Every Brit I know refuses to talk American, and instead insists upon speaking their precise and proper English. What cheekiness! If you came to live in this country you ought to at least learn the language, by gee!

To illustrate, I was recently having a chat with an Englishman and he referred to a certain soft metal commonly used to make beer canisters as "ala-min-ee-um."

"Hold on there, Bub," I said, "Don'tcha mean 'aluminum?'"

He pointed out that most of the world pronounces "aluminum" the way he just had. It turns out that he is correct, but that's my point. We Americans do things OUR way!

And besides, we are much too busy to mess with all those extra vowels!

To further illustrate, this particular Englishman originally hails from the city of Leicester, which is pronounced as "Lester." What's up with that? Why all the excessive vowelage? And why can't they follow the rules of pronunciation that they themselves established?

The extravagant use of vowels is reason enough to stop the Brits at our border. If they gain so much as a toehold on this continent, we may soon be spelling formerly simple words like "color" as "colour" and "honor" as "honour."

I don't know about you, but the mere thought leaves a bad flavour in my mouth.

But the Anglo spelling abuses don't stop there. They also tend to flip the "er" at the end of some words, spelling theater as "theatre" and caliber as "calibre." If we let the Brits have it their way, the name of a large striped cat will soon be "tigre," and we will "gathre" at the "rivre."

Then there's the food issue. Do we want to allow into this country a people who eat such things as Steak and Kidney Pie, Toad-In-The-Hole, and Spotted Dick? These dishes are too disgusting to even think about, let alone eat!

And let's not get started with Britons' weird obsession with tea. Were it up to them, instead of the 7th inning stretch, we'd have "high tea" -- whatever THAT is. Plus, tea is weak; it has hardly any caffeine! There's a reason we Americans held a Boston Tea Party and not a Boston Coffee Klatch!

Another problematic issue involves the Brits' subtle and cerebral wit. We Americans are in too much of a hurry to think about our humor, darn it! Just give us a quick and obvious shot of funniness so we can move on to the next thing!

For example, here is an actual British joke as told to me by an actual Englishman:

Question: What did one snowman say to the other?

Answer: Do you smell carrots?

See what I mean? I had to think about it for a full minute before I got that joke! We Americans simply don't have time for such nonsense!

Some unexplainable British cultural oddities that threaten our way of life include a game called "cricket," which involves a wooden bat but, inexplicably, has nothing to do with finding and mashing small chirping insects. In England, the game we call "soccer" is known as "football." If we let too many English into this country, I shudder to think what might happen to that centuries-old American sport which culminates with the Super Bowl.

We have to stop this invading horde of polite and cultured tea-sippers. We must defend our land whatever the cost may be; we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the fields and in the streets; we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender!

And if you don't agree with that, why, you're nothing but a bloody cricket-coddling crumpet chucker.

Our great nation is being invaded. A horde of courtly foreigners is washing up on our shores, immigrants whose mere presence threatens to change our language, our food and yes, even our very culture.