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Thor, Hammer of Gods

Agriculture.com Staff 04/15/2009 @ 1:31pm

I think I’ve just seen the worst movie in the world.

In fact, that statement may not be true -- I'm not completely clear headed. I've had a bad cold for three days, I haven't slept, and pretty disgusting things are happening all over my body. That sort of thing can muddle your thinking a little bit. For instance, last night I was wishing we had a massage table -- one of those things with a hole for your face so you can lie face down. My theory was that I'd be able to get a night's sleep if I could just lay face down and let my sinus cavities drain directly into a bucket. Not a bad theory, really, but it's a little disturbing that I could come up with it.

Anyway, it was right in the midst of this cold that we watched a movie called "Thor, Hammer of the Gods."

I was pretty excited when I saw the previews. After all, the Vikings are my people and if you're talking Vikings, Thor was the man. And, let's face it; there aren't that many good Viking movies out there. The last quality Viking in a movie was Kirk Douglas and he's 92 now. Even a Viking loses a step or two when he hits his 90s. So, I called all my children and made sure they had the movie in their daytimers and PDAs and I settled down with a medicine cabinet full of drugs and some popcorn.

You know, it wasn't so good. There is a possibility that I might be biased -- I was in the midst of a near-overdose on Tylenol PM and decongestants, not to mention that my eyes weren't actually open all the way, but I'm pretty sure that even with those handicaps it wasn't a very good movie.

About four minutes into it, I knew they weren't going to be sticklers for historical accuracy. Thor took off his helmet and his hair was nicely moussed.

Imagine my surprise to find that Vikings used hair gel. That seems more Greek or Italian. I can just see Zeus, Italian God of Scooters, saying "Ciao!" with his perfectly moussed hair.

It's apparently a great way to avoid helmet hair, because Thor's hairdo was lovely.

About five minutes later, the first werewolves appeared. Once again, something I didn’t see coming. I'm somewhat familiar with Norway. I drove over a pretty big chunk of the country. If they were as thick there as this movie made out, I would have seen some road kill or at least some "Caution: Werewolf Crossing" signs, and I think I could have read them no matter what language they were printed in.

It wasn't a very big budget movie. Once they'd paid for the Viking ship and Thor's hair products, there wasn't enough left in the budget to approve hiring extras or paying for more than two werewolf costumes. So whenever there was a werewolf crisis, the whole group was threatened by only two werewolves.

Now, I'm certain that werewolves would be a tough adversary, but all the Vikings were dressed in armor and carried shields, swords and axes. The werewolves just had fur, claws, and huge paper mache wolf heads, yet they were always pulling the arm off some helpless Viking. I was pretty surprised that they didn't put up more of a fight.

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