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Salad dressing

05/04/2011 @ 10:07am

I don’t need a lot of menu variety in my life, but due to our Easter guests not eating enough and a cousin who’s developed a serious baking habit, every meal I’ve had this past week has included at least one ham sandwich.

This isn’t so good.  Roughly 32% of my body weight is now pork based and I’m fighting the urge to oink.

That’s the danger of hosting family celebrations.

That and having to clean the house.

Okay, the house really should be cleaned every now and then anyway, but on the actual holiday, after the cooking and eating is done, there’s quite often way too much good food available in plastic containers for easy reheating, and it’s a problem.  All the guests go home, my wife goes back to work, and I’m stuck at home with 80,000 calories worth of food lying around.

I understand that there are many people who deal with holiday excesses by enjoying a big meal, and then spend the next week or so living on salads.  To those people, I ask one question.

What planet do you live on?

How is that even possible?  Let me lay out two different scenarios.  The first is the one that currently exists in my house.  There are two plastic bags in our refrigerator.  One is full (okay, less full every day) of scraps of ham and the other is full of homemade dinner rolls.  Putting the two together makes a meal that takes roughly thirty-five seconds to prepare - less if I don’t lick the mayonnaise off the knife and more if I actually take the time to reheat the leftover pineapple glaze.

On the other hand, if I were to, hypothetically, make myself a sensible luncheon salad, I would have to bend over (!) to get the green stuff out of the bottom drawer in the fridge.  There would be some tearing, slicing and dicing involved, I’d need an actual plate instead of a paper towel, and that’s not even the hard part.  

I’d have to choose a salad dressing.  

At this moment, there are 19 half empty bottles of salad dressing in our fridge.  I thought that was excessive, so I decided to do some investigating.  My research indicates that the average American household has 38 bottles of salad dressing stashed in their fridge.  

Another statistic is that 28% of households caught me snooping in their fridge and won’t be inviting me back anytime soon.

This is one of the reasons that with each passing day, America is becoming a more confusing place in which to live.  When I was a kid, if your mom sent you to buy salad dressing you’d choose between some pink stuff labeled “French” or some orange stuff labeled “Thousand Island.”  If you wanted to be fancy, you’d buy a package of dry stuff labeled “Ranch,” which you had to add buttermilk or sour cream to (I forget which – some white stuff- does it really matter?).  And here’s the important point. You would take that salad dressing and pour it over every lettuce salad until the bottle was empty.  Then you could go buy another bottle.

Those were the days.  I wasn’t fat then.  I believe I can blame my changing silhouette entirely on the 19 half empty bottles of salad dressing sitting in our refrigerator.

That - and the 23 pounds of ham. 

Copyright 2011 Brent Olson

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